part of the Variation on a Theme Series
by Phil Scanlan
Be sure to visit http://www.philscanlan.net/
The following is an excerpt from &/OR!: Another Variation:
"You bunnies are so lucky," said Word. "I wish I could be you and that you could be me, so that I could listen to these many nuggets of wonder as if I were a virgin of the mind, a young school bunny filled with innocence and hope for tomorrow and that you could be my well-endowed instructor. There is such a weight on me sometimes I can feel it. Suffocating me I got sugar in my tank. And a taco in my pants "
"Perhaps then we should end " began Vi hopefully.
"But no," Word continued. "I must continue with my life's assignment. The teaching must keep on keeping on. Now listen to this parable that I have devised. A parable of rare wit and storytelling, designed to instruct you while at the same time entertain and delight you. I call it 'In the Continuing Adventures of the Yellow Prune-Shaped Man.'
One day, not long ago, a yellow prune-shaped man fell out of
the sky and landed on a cute little planet called 'Earth'. In no way would this
have been a national crisis or a major global concern if the yellow prune-shaped
man had happened to land in say the Pacific Ocean. Or perhaps the pit of a volcano.
But as fate would have it, the yellow prune shaped man fell in the backyard
of the White House - which happened to be where the most powerful political
leader in the world lived.
"Honey, what was that?" Mr. President asked his dog Daisy.
"Oh, yes, yes. You can't speak. I keep forgetting." Mr. President scolded himself.
The First Lady walked into the Oval Office where the President was sitting and said, "Did you hear that dear? I think it's the puddin'-nappers. They want to steal all our puddin'! You better check it out dear."
"Oh, hi Daisy. No, you don't say - puddin'-nappers? I thought so myself," he fibbed. "Yes, I think I better check that out, huh?"
"Yes dear," the First Lady said with a relieved smile on her face.
The President got up from the floor where he was sitting and made his way to the hall. "Arf! No, no, really, I'm just kidding," he said.
"The Vice-President is due here for cocoa and animal crackers at eleven so please try to hurry dearest," the First Lady said.
The President thought how lucky he was to have Daisy for a wife. He must remember to give her a raise sometime. "Now," he began, "which way is it to the backyard?" The First Lady pointed the way.
"And please hurry," she said. "I'm really, really scared." Indeed, she was shaking visibly.
"Okay, okay." He walked down the halls and corridors yelling out, "Arf! Arf! No, no, really, I'm just kidding." He was saying that over and over again. The secret servicemen and house-maids smiled and clapped politely. The President waved to them. I'm a cowboy, he thought. I'm a real live cowboy!
He found the kitchen leading out to the backyard. But by this time, he had forgotten what he was going to do. He saw the hot cocoa and animal crackers neatly spread out on the kitchen table and exclaimed, "Yumm, my favorite!"
He ate one, then two. Then he ate all the animal crackers. Then feeling thirsty, he drank all the cocoa. Oh my, he thought. That was very good. I sure am tired now. "Nap time!" he called out to no one, and went immediately to sleep on the floor.
Hearing the President's yell of 'nap time!', the First Lady came rushing in and seeing the mess the President had made with the cracker crumbs and spilt cocoa all over the floor and in his hair, she said to herself 'is there any wonder why I love him so?' The First Lady decided she had best investigate outside herself. She then walked in the kitchen closet as mere mortal First Lady, but walked out as Bat Girl, her secret identity. She now had super Bat Girl powers (but mostly she had a big gun that she liked to shoot things with!).
"Okay, you scum sucking puddin'-nappers, Bat Girl's here!" she barked as she jumped through the back door and into the backyard. "I would give you our tapioca, but I'm afraid you want the chocolate. And that's just not going to happen on my watch!"
She pulled back the trigger on her M-16 rifle and the bullets ripped up the nicely kept lawn. The First Lady switched her aim and the bullets began shredding up the nice flower garden. Then she switched her sights again. This time she fired past the trees and back gate to the pedestrians and cars across the way. Luckily, this was only a make-believe M-16. In reality, it was only squirting water 5 feet in front of her. But, in her head, well now, that was another matter entirely.
"I'm Bat Girl! I'm Bat Girl! Goo-Goo-Ga-Ga!"
The First Lady checked her imaginary cape. All systems were go. She flew away to survey the scene. But she flew too fast and too far. "Aghhh!" She was crash-landing into the ocean.
She gasped for air, flailing her arms and legs in desperation. "Dearest! Oh, Dearest!"
Back in the kitchen, the President was dreaming about ducks crossing a street. In the dream he was a cowboy. And his job was to protect the crossing ducks from the evil bad guy puddin'-nappers. He dreamed that he began waddling like a duck, and started quacking. He then joined the ducks as they were crossing, doing his best Chuck Berry duck-walking impersonation. Maybe they won't notice I'm a cowboy and not a duck, he thought, and then I could live with them forever in their duck house. And if I ever get hungry, I could just eat one of them. Although I'd better be careful, as I'm sure they would find out, and then they probably wouldn't like that. They would probably get mad at me, and kick me out of their duck house. He was dream-thinking all this through when one of the ducks began yelling, "Dearest! Oh, Dearest!" but in Daisy's voice. Maybe it's time for dinner, he thought. Then his dream drifted away and he woke up.
"Huh, where am I?" He heard his name being called from the backyard. Daisy!, he thought, just like my dream! Her voice! He rushed outside. I'm a cowboy, he reminded himself. I'm a cowboy.
The First Lady was stuck in the water fountain splashing noisily and yelling for dearest. "Daisy," the President said, "have you been taking a bath? You don't look like you want one. Why do you always do this to yourself? Here, let me help."
The President helped the First Lady out of the fountain. "Oh, where am I?" she asked, sounding rather embarrassed.
"You were taking a bath in the fountain, Daisy dear," the President answered.
She hoped her secret identity hadn't been discovered. She said, "I love you dearest. You're my real live Bat Boy. But we've been married for fifteen years now and my name's not Daisy - that's the dog's name."
Darn, the President thought. I wish I was her real live cowboy, and not some 'Bat Boy'. "I love you too Daisy," he said, "you're my favorite doggie in the whole wide world. Arf!"
They kissed and hugged each other as the hot sun made them sweat uncomfortably.
At that moment the Vice President came rushing at them. "Guys! Guys! Guess what! I'm going to be the next President of the United States!" he said.
Some cowboy! the President thought and thumped the Vice President on the forehead. The First Lady shot the VP with her squirt gun. They all laughed and the President began making goofy duck noises.
Meanwhile, the yellow prune shaped man had left the premises and was now eating a Big Mac at Wendy's (kind of like eating a chewie-chew at a Grubadub, for those not familiar with the reference!). Watch for more continuing adventures of
The Yellow Prune-Shaped Man!
Be sure to visit http://www.philscanlan.net/
Copyright © 2000, 2002 Phil Scanlan | email me at email@example.com